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103. The Thrill of 100

A year has passed since the joy of this post. I look back at the face of that woman, the spirit behind those words and I remember her joy. The ache to be back on the scale under 200 pounds was so very near. The pride of how hard I worked after birthing the second baby was woven into each grin. The emotions behind that post are accessible in memory but seem a million miles away from where my heart lies today.

My body is like a walking billboard for the state of my emotions. Things are a bit wonky right now. People I love have passed; other people I love are unavailable. The doors of both fridge and cabinet fly open, food floats in…chased by guilt. It’s familiar. It’s what I’ve done for thirty years.

And sweet exercise, my faithful companion, has also oft been given the cold shoulder. I can remember the pride post-workout, I can remember the joy at bending over and not being out of breath, of running miles towards my 10k and thinking that I was amazing. These emotions, these milestones are all there…but don’t get me into my tennis shoes on a regular basis.

There’s also a dirty little secret, one that I haven’t even told Emily (until she reads this post). For years, I was on a popular point counting program-diet-eating plan, Weight Watchers. I have paid the monthly dues until recently for the thrill of a weekly weigh in. Euphoria if I lost. Depression if I gained. I didn’t always attend the meetings or weigh in but the idea of counting points, the concept that I was so out of control with food that I had to be on a controlled plan, the allure of losing on that scale, the sadness of failing to take off the weight and keep it off were a familiar roller coaster. A roller coaster that I quit a few weeks ago. Stopped the auto payment. I was tired of weighing my food, counting points, feeling punished, “cheating” and “failing” and all the signs of a diet mentality were ever present. It is a plan that works for many but it wasn’t working for me.

Sometimes the numbers are a part of the story

The numbers tell a story…but are not my only story to tell.

So, friends, I weighed today…for the sake of this post. To get the gist of what my “wonky ways” have led to. Drum roll…250lbs. Holy jack rabbit mama…250 lbs! That’s 100 more than what the good ol’ docs think I should be.

100. One Hundred. It’s such an awesome number. It’s grand and large…and it scares me. This is the heaviest of my life. And that would seemingly end my writing stint for this website devoted to fitness and health. I mean what exactly do I offer here if I’m moving in the wrong direction?

It’s a fair question. What do I have to offer here?

I suppose it’s the fact that my story is not over. These pounds are not who I am and do not define me. My story, and perhaps the story of many people who have struggled for a lifetime with their weight, are rarely concise tales. I write the story of an overweight child who grew into an obese adult…who made consistent choices that led to more and more weight gain and lack of physical fitness. It would be easier to simply accept my new size, my recent limitations and breathlessness, but I can’t. I won’t. My life, my future, and my health are too important, too beautiful to think this is the end of my tale. That a sunken couch and large clothing stores are my long term.

I am still a runner who can finish a 10k, a mom who can chase two kids around the park, swing multiple toddlers in the water, carry all the groceries into the house in one trip. My body is strong and I’ve come far to reach physical goals. It’s the focus on the scale number that seems to serve me poorly. Focusing on a finish line of a fitness goal moves me more.

As a teacher, I used to tell my students that a great deal of success in school was just showing up. I need to take that same advice now. Be more present in the emotions I’m avoiding when I overeat. Be more present in fitness classes and outdoor activities that I enjoy. Be more present here on this blog and be more kind towards myself as I experience the journey.

So, this month, I have:

  • Started training for another 5k (joining other RecFitters for the Stars and Stripes Run on July 5th)
  • Enjoyed the new sunrise classes being offered at Stearn’s Park (5:30am, baby!)
  • Signed up for the FREE Running Clinic at the park this morning
  • Joined the 30-Day Challenge that kicks of in June
  • Told loved ones that I’m struggling…seeking camaraderie not calories

There are always more runs carrying children in my future.

There’s simply too much upon the horizon…sprinklers to run through, waves to jump in with my girls, impromptu kitchen dance parties and eventual long bike rides with picnics. I’m not sure what the scale will eventually do…but I can feel energized and fit along the way.

 

 

 

 

 

Want to kick off good habits and feel energized and fit?  Come join us at Fit Camp in the park!  http://recreationfitness.com/services/fit-camp-classes/calendar/